Hole in the sky?

My name is Major, and my heart is black and full of hate...

Monday, October 25, 2010

Google Summons Mecha-Jesus

I like the website, Fark. I think it's the intelligent person's CNN, so I keep up to date with it, read it, and commit the finer parts to memory. This would be one of those things. Google has decided as part of their 20th Anniversary celebrations that they were going to to digitally process all 30,000+ pages of the Dead Sea Scrolls. As a rule, when I see anything "Google" that is not directly involved with their search engine, I say "Fuck it, who cares." Google apparently wants the monopoly on religion as well, which is just fine with me.

Google needs to touch every pussy, dick and asshole in the universe before they feel loved.. and I know exactly how they feel. I envy those employees at Google when they get to look at things most people have not: Books of the Bible that were found in those caves, long forgotten texts, and the earliest known version of the Hebrew Bible. I'd like to think they overlooked something.. something so important... One thing that the Google researches found in the earthen pots, forgotten for ages.. swept away by the winds of time:

Mecha Jesus.

So I'm pretty excited about the first copy of these digitized fragmented documents, needless to say. Hopefully if i catch Google early enough so I can summon my very own Mecha Jesus first. From what I've read it's pretty easy to do and Mecha Jesus knows how to cook Hot Pockets so the shit does not spill out the ends when they are not sealed real good. (Morgan says I cooked it too long, which is bullshit)

Included with your instructions on Google's homepage to summon your own Mecha Jesus, there is a new owners manual that explains how to control him. It's all in Hebrew, but luckily Google has that translator thing which works for that. Hebrew is God's language, and the Hebrew people are the chosen, so naturally Mecha Jesus only eats Matzoh and brown baby food made from ground up foreskins like in Robocop.

One drawback: He despises foreskin, and knows if you have it, so if you have foreskin I don't think Mecha Jesus summoning is for you until the next version comes out, which is being released by Steve Jobs. The rumored name for the second version is "Copeland Snowlions". That one will be considered green, and only use solar power and just a little tiny bit of the aforementioned Foreskin Yogurt.

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