Hole in the sky?

My name is Major, and my heart is black and full of hate...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Of Movie Rooms & Brown Blankets: Part One

I met Gary Esposito on the bus coming home from Fort Myers High School, November 1995.

He was that quiet guy who read on the way home and kept to himself for the most part. It appeared that he has no friends to sit with and for some reason i felt bad for him. Day in and day out i would observe him and ask him stupid questions. He showed me books he was reading like the Diablo Strategy Guide and other dribble that i was also into at the time. One day i asked him what he was doing after school.

"Nothing. Wanna come over?"

"Sure, ill get off at your stop."

"You can't do that, you'll get in trouble."

"If Miss Black lady says something I'll remind her i got her Boy's to Men cassette before it came out."

"Oh. Okay. Yeah get off at my stop. I have a computer."

I got off at Gary's stop and he lived right next to the bus stop so the walk was not far at all. He showed me his sweet 486DX computer setup and how he could get online with the TNT Online BBS and all the cool nude pictures he had. (I did not bother telling him at this point in time Brian and I established several phony lines of credit and had closets full of stolen computer mechandise.) His mom brought us cheesy pasta which was really good, and she asked me lots of questions. When it came time for dinner i skated home. (I rollerbladed everywhere then as transportation, being 14 years old) That night i told my dad about Gary and how he is a pretty cool guy but a little sheltered and needed a friend.

Fuck.. was I ever wrong.

Brian and Kyle asked me the next day at school where i had been and i told them about Gary, and his up-to-date computer and his nice house. (I knew nothing of his Movie Room at this time)
They asked me if i could come to his house, and at the time i didn't care who i pissed off so i told them yeah, come over and if he gets pissed.. whatever, we will go smoke pot and laugh about it.

I said nothing to Gary as i saw him in the hallway about my buddies coming over, i just told him i would be coming over after school. He seemed okay with it and pretty much ignored me. Gary did not carry a backpack which i thought was odd. I headed to my next class, which i looked forward to, as a cute girl sat next to me and i liked talking to her. For some reason i thought i had a chance with her, which i didn't and i guess i knew that. (her name is withheld because she is my friend on facebook and may read this)

"What's up Major?"

"Nothing.. going over a buddies after school. Maybe smoke before. You?"

"Kyle's house?"

"No, a guy a met, Gary."


She looked down at the ground and pretended not to know who he was. "You know him?"

"Yeah we kinda dated. He is a nice guy." Again looking at the ground.

At that moment i knew Gary had banged the girl i had a crush on. She even blushed. I didn't try to get the conversation going again as i could she was very uncomfortable about it. So i learned something in 4th period, that Gary had pulled some serious ass somewhere along the line. I was looking forward to going over his house for sure now. I had a feeling like i was going to crack open and peel back the layers of my new friend. What kind of person was this?

The terrible trio showed up high to Gary's house with our ripped jeans and Rollerblades. Gary answered the door in the only way he knew how, with a fucking RAPIER in his left hand.

"Lunge! Parry! HAHAHA!" He screamed trusting the rapier at my face and cracking me across the shoulders with some unknown power.

Kyle laughed and Brian looked like he might throw up. Later, Brian introduced himself to Gary's sister, which was received with a prompt thrashing of the testicles in the archway to the Movie Room.

The Movie Room - A large room dedicated to watching movies and drinking alcohol. Many women in that room for sure. Gary had been using this room and luring unsuspecting High school girls for years into this Fortress of Solitude only to strip them of the pureness born onto them. The moment i saw this room, i looked at my friends and wondered why we had never talked to that quiet Italian kid on the bus. All those lost moments. We had to make up lost time, and that time was now. The glances we exchanged at that moment would set up our masculinity for the rest of our High school careers, and most likely for the rest of our lives.

I kissed my wife for the first time in that room. No fucking shit. So did Gary. Yeah.. no fucking shit is right.

Stay Tuned for - Of Movie Rooms and Brown Blankets: Part Two

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Total Recall: The Musical

My Son's Bedroom (yes, really)

I made all the graphics with Proposter, and bought the wall border from Ebay. Everything else is thanks to my closet, which supplied all the rest. Not shown: Stuffed animals, 1 up mushrooms, VHS Mario movies and TV show stuff, and so on and so on.

Monday, July 26, 2010

The End of History Beer

This extremely rare blonde Belgian ale retails between $650 and $900, but good luck finding it. It is the worlds most expensive and strongest beer, boasting a 55% alcohol content and tasting of juniper berries, mead, and nettles. Oh, and they bottle their beer inside taxidermied roadkill.

You can find out more about BrewDog at their website.

Friday, July 23, 2010

"...and Now for Something Completely Random"

I don't really have a plan for this week. (Don't worry though I planned this lack of planning last week after realizing that I wanted to do a less structured article.) Join me on my journey through the mind of a geek at 80wpm on a magic carpet made solely of dark roast espresso. I'll skip my normal preamble about what I'm going to be talking about because I don't actually know yet...actually I lied I do have one small thing in mind. It's pretty damn awesome. (Thanks to all the people that let me know about this event, you know who you are.)

So, I don't know if you've heard about the religious fanatics known as the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC). (The website is down at the time of writing or I would link you directly to their insane world view. )These people have, so far, been protesters with signs that attempt to be hateful but instead don't make much sense and give people in general a bad name. Normally I don't write about religion or politics unless I'm forced to by evil professors or people with an opinion who can't stop talking about it. However, what I do talk about (and why I have an author's status as well as unsurpassed regality on this website) is geek culture. Let the relevance commence!

These crazies are protesting ComicCon for religious reasons. I can't quite figure out what it is that God could hate about a gathering of cosplay/fandom nerds but, according to WBC He does. Unfortunately, I can't provide coverage from here in Asheville, NC, but what I can tell you is that the people at ComicCon won their initiative rolls against the WBC and are commencing sneak attack with the WBC's weapon of choice: picket signs. You know what they say: Fight ignorant hate speech on at stick with witty inside jokes on a stick. Protestors at ComicCon I salute you with a thirty second d20 die spin.

On that note, DragonCon is coming up in Atlanta this coming Labor Day weekend (in just over two months for those of you that don't remember what month Labor Day is, you know who you are.) DragonCon is four days of the nerdiest debauchery your mind can comprehend. One can find all kinds of things like: live robot battles, the world's largest group dancing to thriller, a Mad Scientist ball, a Zombie Prom, a party featuring over twenty Princess Leia's in the slave costume. Oh and I forgot to mention a guest list that features people like Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner, Sean Astin, Morena Baccarin, ckknight, and LeVar Burton. Last year I made the mistake of drinking about a liter and a half of various alcohols in a span of 4 hours; though I did share some with a life size Wookie, three faeries, Aeris Gainsborough, a mad scientist or two and a math professor. I ended up buying shots with some Canadians whom I don't remember, and stealing someone's steampunk goggles. Good Times.

Over the course of the next month I'll be doing some articles on DragonCon oriented topics along with a guest author who still needs to find a red mohair sweater to complete her River Tam costume, a gold violin to finish her Devil costume, and a Harlequin headpiece/red nightgown to complete her Harley Quinn outfit. There is a chance she'll be talking about costuming and photo etiquette, but who really knows at this point...

Starcraft II will inevitably be my undoing. I've purposely had no contact with it during the beta testing times because I know that I'll neglect all the other responsibilities in my life to explore this game. When Starcraft came out I spent a week pretending I had the flu and played through the whole game (...yeah it took me a long time, I was just coming out of playing Monkey Island and hadn't yet grasped the real time aspect of RTS games.) This shiny set of Blizzard-Crack was solely responsible for making me into the gamer that I am today. I wonder if they'll go all the way with this franchise and make a World of Starcraft?

Next week I'll be talking about Stormtroopers in Kilts.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Go See Inception

Seriously. Go see it. Don't give me that line, "I don't like Leonardo Dicaprio."

Really? Why? With the exception of Titanic, name a movie you've seen of his that you didn't like.

Can't do it can ya?

The characters are interesting and compelling because they're played by excellent actors. The story is involved, but not hard to follow. The action is amazing, and the editing is through the roof. It's easily the most entertaining movie I've seen in the last two years.

Unknown Hole Score: 10/10

My name is food. Geek Food.

Think for a second.. what is your geek food?

When you are playing World of Warcraft or (insert MMO here) any other game, what is portable, tasty, and ready to eat while gaming in general?

Mine would have to be poptarts. You can eat them cold, they always taste the same, and the only preperation it takes to eat them is unwrapping. If you have to set it down for anyreason, you dont feel like a slob leaving it on your desk for a minute because it does not drip or leave behind tons of crumbs.

Looking for comments here. Link pictures if you can, like the did the One-Up Mushroom burger.

If you are not a gamer (Why are you here?) then explain perfect bathroom food, or food you can eat in the shower or while making a brownie deposit at the white porcelin bank.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Game Consoles - Cake Edition

Check out these cakes.. some of them look pretty real. Somewhere some fat ass is masterbating right now. Wait.. thats me.

Adrianne Curry Dressed as Pincess Leia @ Comic-Con

Thank me later.
My vacation is over just so you know. Had to take a few more days off, but im back now, so stop your crying.. assholes.
Adrianne Curry is married to the brady guy. She had a bunch of reality shows and won America's Top Model. Oh, and she won today's "Pull my Schwitzer - Unknown Hole" Award for June 2010.

Friday, July 16, 2010

“Big Damn Heroes”

We’re going to talk about your gaming group. Yeah, those guys (and girls if you’re lucky) that you meet with every week on a day where the majority of the people don’t work the next day. These kindred souls have accompanied you through the darkest most Mind-Flayer inhabited dungeons, they’ve embarked on awesome new gaming adventures such as the epic board game Kingsburg, and shared the incredibly dismal experience of the worst card game in the history of card games: Killer Bunnies (Un-hyperlinked for your own safety…Google at your own risk!) Through character death and Magic: the Gathering rules fights they’ve been by your side. It’s time we take a closer look at what makes these individuals tick, and where there gaming passions may lay. This understanding will ultimately lead to a smoother group which inevitably leads to a better time had by all.

Let’s start with the most recognizable of the group: The Winner. Most easily spotted by his/her ability to make victory in any game seem futilely out of reach with his flawless strategies, precisely engineered deck/character builds, and impossibly fast special move execution. He/She can easily stir up a group and begin the slow decent into group dissension. This person thrives on competition, in fact, it’s a requirement. If there’s no one to stand up to them and threaten their supremacy they may eventually end up migrating out of the group to more competitive pastures. Keep this in mind when interacting with this type of gamer. If you’re willing to understand and anticipate the needs of this player and the needs of others in regard to this player, you’ll gain a very loyal and most likely punctual member of your group.

Let’s cut to the bottom line.

Strengths: They will be glad to stomp you over and over again at any game you wish to get better at. Also, they know a lot about these games… Learn from them! I’m sure they’ll be eager to show and tell all that they know and slowly gain the competition they crave. They’re likely to be a leader if your group goes into any high level competition. A true gaming resource.

Weaknesses: Not everyone in your group is up for repetitive defeat. These players can easily become know-it-all’s and have the natural tendency to come off as conceited to the less seasoned members. Try rotating game types if conflict arises from interaction with The Winner. They also tend to be a bit heavier on rules than other players which can be a problem.

Another top contributor to any gaming group of worth is "The Joker" (no not The Joker god help you if he shows up…). Not only does this person tell some awesome jokes, more often than not, you’ll find this person acting out their sense of humor in a game. This is the guy that, during your Street Fighter II tournaments, only played with Dhalsim (because he was the worst character) so that every victory (no matter how few, or far between) was a practical joke played on the opponent. “Yoga Fire!” In group games he/she can often be found playing a support role with some off-the-wall quirks that will be remembered for all time.

Go, Go, Gadget Indented Aside:

Strengths: Let’s face it, gaming is about having a good time and it’s hard to imagine having a good time without laughing. This person is here to provide those laughs at almost any cost. "The Joker" will most likely be fine with playing a less spotlight oriented role in the group seeing as their primary motivation is being silly and getting laughs. This person will have a hand in creating your most memorable gaming moments.

Weaknesses: The more time The Joker gets, the less time is spent on gaming. If “The Winner” is in the process of …well… winning when this player starts the laughs, things could get a little intense. Always make sure this type of player is not targeting the other players in the group, nothing will make a group dissolve faster. You might have to make sure they’re taking things at least a little seriously.

The next archetype in terms of gamers is one I’ll call “The Dude on the Couch” or for short, “tDotC”. Like the name implies he may not even be playing, but he will have an impact on your game. If he/she is playing, he’s usually doing something else at the same time like checking Facebook on his laptop, or texting people, or even writing for a website… Hmm… Anyway, he/she is there, and he/she is gaming with your group for some reason. Your task: find out why! Maybe they don’t dig the game you guys are playing, maybe they were just there to hang out and unwarranted gaming occurred, or maybe they’re new to gaming and a little shy to interact in a large way. If you find yourself with a non-playing “tDotC”, invite them to start and you may gain a member. If they don’t want to, make sure they don’t disrupt too much. Loyal member are probably serious gamers, we keeps them, we likes them.

Hulk Smash This Section of Article!

Strengths: This is an opportunity. Whether it be for feedback, or understanding, or gaining a new member you should seize it. Also since this person isn’t as dedicated to the game they’re perfect for picking up vittles or late and rideless gamers; As for the non-playing type… Eh, they probably don’t have that many gaming strengths.

Weaknesses: Gamers tend to be a serious bunch, and without the proper attentiveness things can get out of hand and players can get angry. If they want to be a part let them know that others are heavily involved and want a group that is at the same level of interest. Don’t let the non-players disrupt your session. Make them get food for you!

Obviously there are a ton of player archetypes (which I’ll be going over in later articles seeing as how I just broke 1,018 words), and we’re all a healthy mix of them. The amount of people you can game with consistently is a limited number. Make sure you treat them the way they would like to be treated. Plus the more you understand the people in your group the better a time you’ll all have, and the more fun you have the more likely girls are to attend, but that’s another article…

Next week I’ll be doing something random


A Burger.. Made Entirely of Bacon

From Wired:

"A little research indicated that the likelihood was that my bacon would lose about half of its weight during cooking. That seemed a bit high to me, especially since the bacon I’d bought had a good percentage of meat in each slice, so I figured starting with 19 slices, for a weight of 10.45 ounces, would cover me. "

You have to be kidding me. There is nothing that turns me on more than that burger.. that salty crispy brown mess that i desire to put in my mouth. Lovingly. I guess my wife cleaning the bathrooms does turn me on, but its not the same kind of turn on.

To read more about bacon burgers.. The great burger odyssey!
Yeah i know it's my day off but i needed.. excuse me.. HAD TO post this.

Taking a Day off.. Your topic while I'm gone is......

.....This guy.
If i were to name him, his name would be, oh, Tekk. (Two K's because thats gangsta)
Calm down, it's just one day with nothing scheduled. I will be reviewing the BBS Door game, Usurper when i come back Saturday night.
Download Usurper here and get ready for the review on Saturday night.
You will Need DOSBOX most likely unless your running a Windows 95 based computer, and if you are, then you sir/ma'am, are truely magnificent.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

LORD - Legend of the Red Dragon (BBS Door Game)

Sweet god look at those awesome ANSI graphics. It's almost like im back at Gary's house waiting for my turn to flirt with Violet.

I had a Mac, so had to use a Hypercard terminal program to access BBS servers like Caffiene BBS and The Dragon's Den BBS. TNT online was available in our area but there was a cost to use it, so only the privledged (Gary) had it, and had access to all the new MUDD games as well. All PC users had to use was a COM program like LCcom or the like.

LORD, or Legend of the Red Dragon, was a BBS Door game invented by a guy named Seth Able who had way too much time on his hands. He saw other BBS servers that had cool games and had no money to license them, so he created his own. By word of mouth the popularity of the game spread and almost all BBS systems had a shareware copy (allowing you to play to level 7) of the game, at the very least.

Many a night was spent waiting for 12am so i could have my next turn. This was one of many distractions i have found over the years has been swept under the rug with alot of other classic games of old. Give this a chance, download it, have fun.

Download LORD - Visit MMO Version Website - WIKI

Currently Reading 3 - Eon by Greg Bear

Having finished The Lost Star so quickly, i decided to get right into another book. I took vacation from work to spend some time at home with the wife and kid, and this book just flew by. Such a sharp contrast between the two books, Eon being the most adult, free thinking, man's novel, and The Lost Star being a coming of age Care Bear hug-fest, while using protection.

I wont name characters because there are so many, but ill run it down for you.

A huge asteroid shows up out of no where right outside of earth atmosphere. We send a bunch of astronauts to check it out and it turns out the asteroid is hollow and contains an abandoned city. A science team goes up to check things out, find a library, and discovers that the earth is going to die of nuclear winter in like month or so. Give or take.

You learn these vital details in first few chapters, and this is a 500+ page book, small typeface. (which reminds me, The Lost Star had a small typeface but the margins were fucked) people have sex, kill others, fight, meet alien species, travel to far away worlds, you name it, this book does not miss any of the elements.

I hearby declare this book officially the bomb. Amazon - Wiki

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Your Perfect Car.. What is it?

Wait a second before your mind runs away from you. Think of your perfect car. Forget makes and models and lets pretend all of that means nothing. That a Dodge Colt is worth as much as a Buick GNX.

Customize your perfect car, fill the intereior with computer monitors and flesh lights, anything at all. Below are your examples, these people have made their perfect car.

Interesting Star Wars Facts

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Currently Reading 2 - The Lost Star by H.M. Hoover

Yes that's the book i just finished reading.

I had read a few other books by H.M. Hoover, namly The Return to Earth and Shepard Moon. I liked them both, though i thought they were not "adult" enough for me. I don't really need to have an adult theme, but i like the thoughts and ideas and jokes of adults, so there we go.

Lian Webster goes off planet with her parents when she is 16 and gets friendly with a cute and cuddly race of centaur teddy bears that everyone passes off as dumb, and no one give a shit. While her parents are off digging up bones and relics of time past (They are archeologists) she discovers ancient computers and an intelligence ancient race of.. centaur bear things.

I liked this book, i really did. It was very easy to read and it was old classic science fiction, which I'm into. Fighting, romance, and maybe some action would have made this better for me.

I give it 4 our of 5 centaur Tee Shirts. Available here.

Princess Leia Never Looked Like That.. Good God!

E-Gads man. Kelly Brook, ladies and gentelmen.. Kelly..
And not like you needed it after that picture, but here is Kelly Brook in her photoshoot. I think she is english, which is fine.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Heavy Metal Mondays - Part 2

Heavy Metal Mondays Hath Returned!
I just wanted to talk about the sound track real quick and post a few links really. I like Heavy Metal Mondays, and it was hot last week with the link-backs, sooo... Thats a big fuck-yes to HMM from here on out.
The soundtrack was not available after its initial 1981 realease until 1995, that also being the main reason why it was never released on VHS or Laserdisc as the rights could not be secured for the music. Bootlegs were widely available on the convention circuit. The film was first shown on Pay-Per-View and home video in 1996 following agreements from the record label.
Click the links below to listen to the respective tracks.

1."Heavy Metal" (Original Version) (Sammy Hagar) (3:50)
2."Heartbeat" (Riggs) (4:20)
3."Working in the Coal Mine" (Devo) (2:48)
4."Veteran of the Psychic Wars" (Blue Öyster Cult) (4:48) (badass, listen to this!)
5."Reach Out" (Cheap Trick) (3:35)
6."Heavy Metal (Takin' a Ride)" (Don Felder) (5:00)
7."True Companion" (Donald Fagen) (5:02)
8."Crazy (A Suitable Case for Treatment)" (Nazareth) (3:24)
9."Radar Rider" (Riggs) (2:40)
10."Open Arms" (Journey) (3:20)
11."Queen Bee" (Grand Funk Railroad) (3:11)
12."I Must Be Dreamin'" (Cheap Trick) (5:37)
13."The Mob Rules" (alternate version) (Black Sabbath) (2:43)
14."All of You" (Don Felder) (4:18)
15."Prefabricated" (Trust) (2:59)
16."Blue Lamp" (Stevie Nicks) (3:48)

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