Hole in the sky?

My name is Major, and my heart is black and full of hate...

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

So, Who Wants Tentacle Rape??

So for my first post here I have decided to tackle the topic of tentacle rape.
Tentacle rape is great. It is always amusing to watch some poor young girl stuffed full of tentacles. It's always fascinating to watch.
And not like the, "Oh, shit gotta change my panties" fascinating, but the, "Why the hell can't this happen randomly in real life!" fascinating.
Take for example, the guy in the deli at Publix who makes my subs.
This is what he would look like with tentacles crammed in every orifice.
How dare he not put extra sub sauce on my sandwich.
He has a penis tentacle in his awaiting mouth.
He was probably being chased through the woods, tied up by penis, then took 3 fat-backs in the dumper.
Probably wishes he had that extra sub sauce now.
He could use it to lube those tentacles, everyone knows tentacles don't come with lube. See Fig A.
What a Faggot.

Fig. A (Now, with lube!)

If I had one wish, that wish would be to command the awesome powers of my very own tentacle army. My own pulsing, throbbing, army. Of penis.

Captain EO: Michael Jackson... Apocalypse.. FOOOOOM!!!!!!

The most expensive movie in the world to make, and you have never heard of it.
It cost $30 million to produce, which does not seem like much, but if you break it down per minute, thats 1.76 million per fucking minute.
Disney got George Lucas and Jim Henson involved for the special effects and puppetry. So what we have now is Labyrinth in space, essentially. To direct, Michael got Francis Ford Coppola to jump in on the project, as he directed a few of his best projects, namly, Bad. (Starring Wesley "I'm Amistad Black" Snipes)
Watch the movie real quick and let me know what you think.

If you didnt notice, it was originally filmed in an experimental 3D process, later adapted as "4d" and recycled for Terminator 3D, Emlo 4D and Aliens 4D. The fourth dimension they refer to is touch, with thing built into the chairs spraying you with water or touching your neck, or in MJ's case, touching your 4 year old son.
Here is the making of.

Shame on me for posting any of this really, i just thought it was neat since he was dead and all.
Incoming Moonwalker review in 5... 4.. 3..................... 2....

"You look like your head fell in the cheese dip back in 1957"

Now I'm not saying that 'everyone' out there is a potato salad faced asshole, but there are some days that I feel I meet more then my fair share.
Maybe Nada had it right, "it figures it'd be something like this", where money is god, subliminal signs that just read obey and consume. And everyone is conforming whether they know it or not.
I say No! Give me a pair of cheap Ray-bans and a shotgun and lets go to work. Cause the day that I wake up having sex with a gross bug-eyed alien again better be the first day of the end of days! Plus, you have no idea how long it takes to get the smell off, and trust me you don't wanna! "That's like pouring perfume on a pig"
"So wake up, they're all about you, all around you!"
Oh, and if you see that Meg Foster around, tell that crazy eyed bitch she was better as Evil-Lyn.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

And behold! Scat! (ahem) Authors!

Going to bring some new guys and girls on, tentatively, and hopefully permanently. To be honest I could not afford artificial intelligence. No Deep Blue chess playing robots, or even the circa 1983 Simon memory toy. So I made The Call, the call that involves facebook and phone calls and text messages.. and I may be on to somthing. Something so epic, so grand, so..
Admins will be: Gary Esposito, Major Asselin and Morgan Hallett.
Authors will be: Gary Esposito, Major Asselin, Morgan Hallett, Jessica Sandford, Dustin Onash, Dan Goodwin, Shawntel Clark, Jeremy Post, Ryan Rich, and possibly a few more.
..These are your heroes. They will use their sharp minds, amazing intellect, and overwhelming chrasima score to wow you, then take what they want. Take it i say!

The Pizzacone.. Yes?

Do we really need this? Is this another thing gamers can have their mothers put in the microwave and hand them so they don't have to stop their Ice Crown Citidel raids on WoW?

Iam prepared to do nothing short of changing my address to get one of these. I know this is off topic, but look at it. Its fat food, and oh god, do i want to be fat.

Via techeblog

Monday, June 28, 2010

New Authors coming soon!

Ive asked my two good friends, Gary Esposito and Morgan Hallett to be Admins with me. I think they will add a certain kind of humor that i try real hard at but never obtain. Gary and I have collaborated before on several projects and Morgan and I have been writing a book together, both guys are really talented and I'm really looking forward to what they post..

..So long as i don't get in trouble for it.

5 Things I like about the movie Hackers

I like the movie Hackers.. It's one of those movies that when it comes on TV i have to keep watching it and i don't know why. My friends and I skipped school to see this movie, being self proclaimed hackers ourselves. We left with that shit-eating look on our face saying, "You cant do that with a Mac!" and let everyone who wanted to know the movie sucked. Then i bought it when it came out, and the soundtrack and listened to the infection that are those sweet DJ mixes and compilation mixes. So good was the soundtrack, it had 3 incarnations.

5) The game Wipe Out; used as some kind of arcade game. The game was in its prototype form when it was used in the movie. Some elements seen i the movie never made it to the game.

4)The complete bullshit they make up, senseless techno-jargon and made up computer programs.. eh. The whole cast had to go through typing training to give the appearance of having used a computer before.

3) The Music. Prodigy VooDoo people, Connected, DJ mixes.. Just great stuff.

2) Angelina Jolie's 19 year old breasts. Fastforward to 4:50 to see a wonderful dream sequence in which Johnny Lee Miller gets raped.

1) The use of Macintosh computers for just about everything. This is the trailer below, count how many times you can see an Apple/Macintosh computer.
This hits home for me considering that all my friends and I used was Macintosh computers. At the time the movie came out, we had Performa, LCIII, and Power Mac computers. I only knew a few people that had a PC, and i knew more people with Macs with DOS cards then actually PC users. (circa 1995)

The Princess Bride.. WITH LIGHTSABERS

The Princess Bride is one of the best movies ever.. yes, yes. The only thing that could make it better is if it had Light Sabers instead of the traditional rapier or foil. I'm disapointed there was no use of force powers but one cant have everything they want.

And what i want is Inigo Montoya to like, grab food off the table (with the force) and force push it into someones ass, then say something about the 6 fingered man.

World of Warcraft has this:
It can be fished up in the Dalaran fountain. You need to fish up a whole bunch of goofy coins for the Achievement.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 FTW.

Big McLargeHuge.

This clip taken from the episode titled "Space Mutiny". Its a really bad movie, but geeky and bad. Like Emma Watson's vagina.

Full episode via piratebay.

Currently Reading 1 - Conan The Freebooter by Howard

I will not hide my love for Conan novels, even the L' Sprague de Camp knockoffs. He put his name all over them, used the basic gist for his books and pasted Robert E. Howard'a name of the front. For shame!
I picked this book up about five years ago in a paperback exchange in Sarasota Florida. This is the first edition, and its the same one im reading now. The pictures came from google image search so i felt compelled to say that.
It's a collection of short stories with a novella in the middle about him taking over an army, killing bastards that wield magic, and eat joints of beef whilst banging the common folk with his giant penis club. He also drinks wine occasionally.

XXX Xanth? Fan Fiction meets pornography.

God... Xanth.

My Social Studies teacher was very strict in 8th grade, but god love him, he likes Piers Anthony novels as much as me. Well.. maybe not as much as me. I remember having to hide the cover to The Color of her Panties, because i was afraid the teachers would not get the right idea if they saw it. I mean as far as book names go, its really easy to get the wrong idea with that title. Recently i read Xanth number 33.

Truth be told i have all the Xanth books. I will also admit i have all his books.. Rare ones, first editions and so on. I guess im a collector. I love books in general, but thats an epic saga all by iteself. Today we talk about XXX Xanth, a fan fiction about and in Piers Anthony's famous Xanth universe. With hardcore sex.

A few years back i wrote Mr. Anthony a letter about it, and he thought it was pretty interesting. He wrote about it in one of his Author's notes in one of his Xanth books, and also in his newsletter on Hipiers.com, his website. Alas, it never garnered alot of attention in the public eye. So.. here it is.

Author's Note: These are a series of stories which I am basing on one of my all time favorite fantasy works, the Xanth Novels. The actual books contain mild erotica and were a great influence on me during my earlier years. They speak of sex between numerous fantasy creatures including centaurs, elves, nymphs, harpies, mermaids, fauns, fairies, humans, dragons, naga, gorgons, and numerous others.

Major's note: I do not fucking agree with this, but i do see there is some sexual innuendo in the series, which towards the end was a little too much for me. The over-use of love springs to get random characters to fuck is just not my thing, but i will admit i wanted a horse and man to do it from the outset. Okay what was i saying this is awesome. Sorry.

"Dana felt strange twinges in her maidenhood as the soft velvety fur of Arthurs equine half rubbed against her thin panties."

"If you do not obey me I will rip each of your little maidenly nipples from your body and eat them. Do you understand?" the harpy asked in a small menacing voice."
God I could go on.

I like the use of the word 'Maiden', which is used almost 30 times in the course of the first part of this epic adventure.

It seems to me this Author loved Xanth, as did i , growing up. I'm under the impressions that this author is a woman, which also scares me because that woman could be my wife, and in that case i would have to dress her up and do unmaidenly things to her nipples.


Updated Tomb Of Horrors 4thED Revised Free!

Gary Gygax's awesome adventure, The Tomb of Horrors is available free for download at Wizards of the Coast here.
I played this with friends of mine over at Pioneer Games in Fort Myers, many, many moons ago.
Free baby!

I'm Writing a book.

Its about technology, video games, drugs, the 80's, computers, you name it. It follows the events of the video game crash of 1983.

I'm writing with a friend of mine, Morgan Hallett. He is a trouble maker from New York, and i work with him, and we are heterosexual. Really.

Two years in the making, have a publisher, editor, and things are going well. Just have to collect the time to get with him and finish the ending..

Show some love! Read the first chapter, check out the feed.

The Golden Chair is a Mart Cart you get Blow Jobs in.

Picture By Brian Clifton of Brianclifton.com, senior programmer godaddy.com, and one of my best friends from high school.

This picture is the product of having too much time on your hands, and also playing way too much Vampire the Masquerade, very drunk. In brief, you can hide a postitute in the front of this golden mart cart, while you shop, you can get oral. Its only reserved for the CEO and shit.

I will have this shirt!

The One Shirt to rule them all.

Found here.

PCXS2 Playstation 2 emulator.. EGADSMAN

I like the Playstation 2 just as well as anyone. The only DVD player i have hooked up to the big TV in the living room is a PS2 and i don't see a reason to replace it. Many people have moved on in their console generations leaving the PLaystation 2 as just a DVD player. Some of the people who refuse to let it die let it take a place next to their nwest generation consoles, gathering dust.

The truth is, Gamestop will give you maybe $20 for it. They have hundreds of games under $10, so for very little money you can be playing some of the greatest games ever to hit consoles.. Like God of War, and God of War 2.

If it will not play on my computer then i don't want to play it at all, and im resolved to figure all this shit out and talk about it because it frustrates me more than a hand job on prom night.

I have read for some time that Playstation 2 is now something that can be emulated if you have a great computer, and a great video card. Frame rates have been reported to be high enough to be playable with the right settings, so i said what the fuck and gave it a try.

First thing your going to need is an emulator. I decided on PCXS2, as they made the PSX emulator i like, so i figured the people who let me play Twisted Metal after four beers can do it, then anyone can. When you first download it, you will notice right away that you can't do anything. All the settings are dependent on if you have a good computer, and which computer you have is very important to which settings you will want.

Second: You will need the BIOS files. Ive included them in their entirety here, including the updated emulator with plugins. Yeah im fucking nice and hosted them on my website. If you click on the link one day and they are gone, its because i got one of the lovely letters from Sony saying get fucked. In that case email me, and ill make sure you get the new link. You need the BIOS files to boot the PS2, to load games and so on. Technically you are supposed to *dump* the BIOS files from the Playstation 2 that you currently own, and use only those files on your computer. If you have a PS2, and you want the files, i dont really see a problem with it. There is no possible way anyone could prove that files that are available here are different than the ones you could dump yourself. You have to set the path of the BIOS files in the settings menu once you enter the program or nothing will work. Also set the plugins folder which is also required.

Dumping: Say you wanted to dump the BIOS files from your PS2, to your computer, well in that case you could go here. Once upon a time i decided that my PS2 needed to be something better, and that i should be playing burned games and so on. The dumping of BIOS files, games, save states, all pretty much tie in with that and can be found here. You will need the LAN adapter for the PS2 which is like $10 at gamestop used.

Third: Configure this shit. I have no good advice for you at all here. You are going to have play with the settings and use different plug ins until you can find out what works. On my Quad Core machine i needed to change the DVD/CD plug in to get it to load and the disc image to work pretty well. On my Dual Core i had to change everything, try everything and play with every feature for 3 hours until something playable would happen. I decided to use God of War as my benchmark, as alot of people have. Considering most of the populas is doomed to have a Dual Core Intel processor, i will explain my trails and tribulations with that. Use this link for generic instructions that are helpful, but suck, much like most wives.

Setup: Intel Core2 Duo (laptop!)
ATI HD 6750 Discrete Graphics 1GB
4 Gigs ram (good ram)

1: If you are using windows 7 go and download the new Direct X 10, if your video card supports it. If not, download 9c, which is not bad either. This is required. Now set the paths up for the bios files and the plugins in the settings tab.

2: Using this chart determine what kind of shaders your video card supports. At first i did not think this was very important, but its the difference between playing and not playing so just do it. Under settings select the video option that best decribes your hardware. In the course of playing around i found that the third option, GSDX 890 SSE3 was best for me. It seemed to give a bit of a pick me up in the frames department. Set your shaders as your card limits, and check which boxes think apply to you. If you are getting slowdown, click Vsync.

3: Make the rest look like what i have here. The settings at the normal levels maintained by the programs seem okay, but if you want a speed up, configure each option to its fastest setting. IE.. take the reverb off the sound, set the DVD drive to read ahead.

4: Goto the settings in the menu and click Speed Hacks. Just check everything there, you will need it for the better games, like God of War. if you have a Quad Core CPU and a bad ass video card, you wont need this shit.

5: With any luck, you should be enjoying the game you have selected. Like me.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

How to get the Nocturne in the Moonlight rom to work, PS3 Controller help

I love Castlevania.

The best Castlevania game in the world is Symphony of the Night for PSX. It was game of the year when it came out and is one of the best games on the Playstation hands down, and most likely the best 2D game in existance.

My friends and i played this game all the way through several times. We explored both sides of the castle, tried to get the most map uncovered and made attempts to get all the items. Little did we know that in Japan a cheaply made port was released called Nocturne in the Moonlight.
Demon Dracula X: Nocturne in the Moonlight to be exact. Its pretty much the same game, except two new areas are unlocked revealing 100 more rooms, new items, two new bosses, and two new playable characters.

When i first moved into my own apartment on my own, i kept going to this place in the flea market called Mario Brothers. This game bodega had a collection of about 10 thousand games on all systems. In a glass case he kept the oddities from the NES era, his two unopened copies of Chrono Trigger and Secret of Mana, and one copy of Nocturne in the Moonlight, unboxed. I asked several times about, and finally looked it up online. I knew i had to have this game. I went back the following friday and discussed it with him and he let me know he was planning on selling it online. I asked if it worked, and in response he popped it in for me, into his Japanese region Saturn console.

Words can't describe. It was the same game, well kind of. Everything was in Japanese for starters except the main menu and some other little things. The screen was pixelated and stretched. All the sprites were blocky and seemed very fuzzy. I chose Maria as my starting character out of childish excitment, and then i was seriously let down by the ground-down toned back graphics. I was under the impression that the Saturn was a more powerful machine with legendary 2D graphics and a much improved resolution. Gone were all the little sparkles and polishes and dithering effects and everything i had come to love from the PSX varient. He played me excitment and talked up the game continually throughout my 10 minutes of playing.

I told the owner of Mario Brothers that i would pass on the game, as i did not have $200. I did have the money, but i was so disapointed that i really could not bring myself to buy it. The graphics were just not that great. I wanted a next generation game, not something that could have been made in the heyday of SNES.

Since then i have played Symphony of the Night all the way through at least 3 more times, uncovering things i've found online and so on. The copy of the game i own, i play on PSXE which is a Playstation emulator that just plain works awesome. Any game, any controller, just plug in and go. They also have a PS2 emulator that works like a charm. With the advent of emulation and better computers, i decided the other day to download and play through Nocturne in the Moonlight... If i could get it to work.

The rom was easy enough to find, as was readily available on The Pirate Bay. There were no seeders so a 400mb download took about 10 hours. No biggie. Next was downloading the appropriate emulator. Everybody has a different take on this and im here to set the record straight. They all are a bitch to get working, and when they do, just barely with skippy, choppy, halting performance. Each one has a unique problem.. IE. missing sound, no video, does not start and so on. Most of everything i have read points fingers to Satourne being the best in show in performance and other traits, also i think its the only one still be supported by developers.

Satourne sucks. It would not run Nocturne in the Moonlight because the file was not one it recognized... That and aparently i did not have the right bios files. (you need the original Saturn bios files to boot games, and they are hard to find as well) Once i got that straightened out i spent another hour reading how-to's and tutorials to get this piece of junk to work.

SSF is another emulator that was so buggy i dont see how it was released in the first place.

Saturnin would not run anything but sound for the several roms i tried. All together, i could get Satourne to boot the game with slow video, and crash before the main screen. With tweaks, i could get it to the character select, but the music slowed the emulation down to a half. (i have a quad-core PC, so this should not be a problem) SSF was crazy buggy and had repeat crashes with several games that said worked on their site.

PS: BIOS files are available here. Use the Japanese one for NitM, V.1.0.

You would think that since PSX emulators were so common, even being sold as early as 2000 with Bleem!, that you would be able to find a good if not better Saturn one. This is not so. Several things on the Saturn are hard to emulate, the graphics and sounds chips used were a little ahead of its time, which made it hard, as well as a short lifespan of the system itself. Small interest, complicated hardware, lack of US games of four-star quality... you get the point.

I found Yabause which was the most simple of the 4 that i had tried, and the last. Within 5 minutes i had game running full speed, perfect emulation of video and sound with full screen support at any resolution i wanted. I had found my emulator. Three things that got me which im sure will stump some of the newbies of emulation: 1) make sure auto framskip is enabled. This will throttle the game down if your computer is too fast, and also speed it up if your computer is too slow by skipping every other frame. 2) Try and get your resolution on the game as close to the native resolution to your desktop, this will eliminate frame tearing and lag. 3) Don't use OpenGL if you can help it. If you have a fast computer you wont need it. With most Saturn games, emulation has not been tested on most, and OpenGL is not optimized for certain things, which causes artifacts on the screen. (garbage sprites) Use the number pad to turn off layers if need be during menus if you have to have OpenGL on.

Iam no stranger to playing emulated games, especially with the keyboard in a pinch. I'm a gamer, been doing this for years.. but the Saturn keys are something different entirely. Playing on the keyboard was not for me on this system. I needed to get a controller, and i had tons out in the closet. I grabbed several, not leaving anything up to chance. No amount of gamepad software is compatable with Yabause. The only thing it wanted to recognize was the keyboard, with no support for the diagonal d-pad, so spells were hard to get off. I'm pretty good with the keyboard having played emulators for some time, but the buttons were different that the PSX controller, so were different than i had experienced before. I suspected my oldest game pad may work, but the software it used was only copatible with windows 98, which is not good in this case. I considered dual booting Win98, i really did, but i was pressed for time.

Earlier in the week i had read about a hack to get a PS3 controller to work as a game pad with some difficulty. Since that controller really hasent changed since the first incarnation of the Playstation, i decided to give that a shot being familiar with the button layout, and not really understanding the Saturn controller configuation at all. The best way to describe a Saturn controller is look at the Sega Genesis controller, and add more buttons, take away the select button. I like the PSX controller, to me, its the one controller to rule them all. Initially i knew the PS3 controller would not work with Yabause, becuase.. well.. nothing did. This program was not game-pad friendly at all. Why go with the hardest of all controllers? Well, i had to choose one, and i have only seen a couple of how-to's with PS3 game pads, so maybe someone will find this helpful.

Download Motioninjoy. Its a driver set for the PS3 controller. Before you install anything, if your using vista or windows 7 (like me) reboot your computer and hit F8 several times, select the ignore driving signing option. Now reboot again. Windows does not like these drivers, and considers them high risk. Now follow in the instuctions, then when installed properly a notepad window will pop up with Japanese characters on it. I missed this before, so i know to look for it now. When you see the notepad window, reboot again. Okay now if you look down at your PS3 SIXAXIS controller, it will be blinking in sequence from left to right insted of its 'what the fuck' flashing it was doing it before. Congrats, you did it. Now to get the big fuck you from Yabause.

Download Joytokey. It is a keyboard-joypad emulator. You leave it open and it translates gamepad presses into keyboard strokes. If you do not know how the controller is mapped by the numbers, you will need to, so go to devices in your control panel and right click on the gamepad, and goto settings. Press each button, and when the number lights up, write it down. Now go back into Joytokey and map them on the keyboard however you want. You will not need to use the analog sticks so dont worry about mapping those. Oh, and the select button will not work on the Saturn no matter what so skip that as well. To see your map progress in Nocturne in the Moonlight, you have to hit start, then press the R1 key, which i think is the Z key? on the Saturn controller.

Yabause has an input selector under settings. Set it for keyboard and enter in all the mapped keys from before. Don't forget you have to leave Joytokey open. You should be good to go. Test your keys switch the buttons you need to make it feel like SoTN. In the options menu, when you press start you can map the keys in the game as well, which can be pretty good too if you cant seem to switch weapon A and Weapon B.

NitM has an extra hand for holding potions, food and such on the main menu. On the main controller for Saturn there is A.B.C then X.Y.Z on the front. The developers having seen an extra button deceided to make it a third hand to hold shit, assuming people have three hands, you know, to hold stuff. I set this key for R3 on the PS3 game pad, and it works pretty good. I don't know why they did not have this feature on the PSX version, but im assuming once again that they ran out of buttons. God knows they could not assign one key to wolf/mist/bat and cycle through them, or the 'hold up' while pressing.. blank. This shit makes the game easier. Potions make you invincible for a second in both games which is one of the more useful things to have, especially on demand.

I hope this helped. I'll try and post more games and how best to play them as time allows.

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