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My name is Major, and my heart is black and full of hate...



Monday, November 8, 2010

Conan!

The grading rubric for Conan O'Brien's return to TV will be as follows (out of 100):

  • (5 points): Length of Beard - I think we all know less of Conan's skin is better for our retinas. Besides we want the rugged new TBS Conan. This ruggedness is also for his own sake because God knows he's going to be roughing it - beards give a +1 to roughing it. Everyone knows this.
  • (5 points): Quality of first guests - As the new King of TBS, Conan should have as least some control over who his first guests are. I have no idea who they are yet because I'm not a filthy peeker. If you know who they are at least have the common decency to lie about it in the comments section. (Conan should definitely have Chuck Norris on ASAP)
  • (5points): Presence of George Lopez - Don't get the wrong idea here; he actually GETS points for NOT having him. I don't want to see him, or hear him, or hear of him. Just leave him completely out of the show. The last thing we need is Lopez walking around like he's one of us cool kids. Conan already has a sidekick AND he already has a heel for his jokes. There's just no room for a man whose shameless self promotion rivals Conan's...
  • (5 points): Triumph - The insult comic dog should be turned loose within the TBS studios and given a free pass to all shows to do whatever/whomever he wants. If Conan is the new King of TBS Triumph should be the Prince. This dog in a large studio of full people that are already ashamed should be comic gold.
  • (10 points): Andy Richter - This category is already fulfilled. Andy will be returning and will also still be fat and eating on camera. By the way he's a comic genius.
  • (10 points): The Acquisition of HornyManatee.com - As of right now, that link will take you to the NBC main page. This is a terrible atrocity and must be stopped. This page should actually be Conan's official site for all online content. Everyone knows about the sites epic history (...or you can click here...I wont judge)
  • (20 points): Returning Skits - I really really need to see some "The Interrupter" or "Pierre Bernard's Recliner of Rage" or "The year 2000" or even some "Masturbating Bear" Not only would the presence of these skits mean he has the same writers, it would also begin to fill hole left in my soul by the absence of the show.
  • (20 points): Max Weinburg et al - I can still hear this intro even after almost 10 months. Though the biggest factor (aside from having incredibly talented musicians on staff) is that these guys were the heels of the in-show jokes. If they didn't return he'd have to find a new heel... (careful with that one)
  • (20 points): Must make fun of both NBC and TBS - This whole debacle is a great chance to make fun of how the media works. Besides think of how long he's had to fume about this stuff... He hasn't had this much time to himself since his first couple of seasons. If I have my way, the greats will fall under the pressure from the altruistic red-headed pale-skinned giant from Boston. I especially can't wait for him to team up with Comedy Central crew... The world will never be the same.
Watch the show!!! Conan is back!!

4 comments:

  1. Unfortunately, Conan had to leave behind the rights to a lot of his intellectual property when he left NBC. I would be surprised if any of those skits could legally make a comeback. He's going to have to come up with a lot of new material, which is what I am most concerned about in terms of his return. That and not having cable so I can't actually watch any of it.

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  2. Conan has said he'll go to court over "The Masturbating Bear" take that as you may.

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  3. http://www.teamcoco.com/blog/full-episodes-of-conan-will-be-on-teamcoco-com/

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  4. I watched the show last night and was very happy with it. The only thing that i could think of that i did not like was the fact he can no longer make fun of cable telelvision when talking to steven colbert.

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