Hole in the sky?

My name is Major, and my heart is black and full of hate...

Monday, January 31, 2011

How to: Make your laptop last forever

Impossible you say? For shame.

I've fixed many a laptop. No two are the same in configuration, but one this is a constant, they break, and they over heat. I'll run you through my experiences with laptops breaking, then how to maintain yours to last forever. If you use your laptop as a desktop computer, never unplug it, and dust it like furniture, this may not be for you. Also, go buy a desktop if your never going to move the fucking thing. You bought a portable computer for a reason. Cocksucker.

The top three problems i have had with laptops, both my own and clients are as follows.

1) The charger no longer charges the battery -or- battery wont hold a charge and its new(er).
When you buy a new or used replacement battery for your laptop, you have to recalibrate it most times. This is especially true on older laptops where the battery technology was not very good. Newer batteries have much longer life spans in the 6 and 8 cell lines, but only will hold optimum charge for around a year with moderate use before the you get a rapid decline in battery life. Keeping your laptop plugged in will not prolong the life of your battery unless you have an old battery for your laptop laying around that you can use at home while it's plugged in. When using your laptop out, you could swap i the new good battery and it will last much, much longer. As a rule just replace your battery once a year, it's cheap enough. As for as the charger problem goes, 9 times out of 10 its not the charger but the port on your laptop itself. Repeated plugging in and resting your laptops weight on the charger (as they sometimes stick out pretty far) bends the internal socket of the port where you have to basically hold the charger with your hand or press very hard to get it to charge. There is no easy fix for this but to be very gentle with your laptop when charging.

2) It's really hot and loud, underside has hot spots, for these reasons everything seems to be slow.
Clean the fucking thing. Once a week. Look online for a breakdown of how to take your computer apart and take every screw out, fan, and plastic plate and clean them good with alcohol remembering to take the battery out first. Clean all lint from the fans and never cover up the vents when your in bed looking at porn with your fucking comforter. When using your wonderful portable device in your lap, hold it in such a way that does not block any venting holes or screens. The computer is slow because it is hot, and most computers will turn off or perform very slow when a certain temperature is reached. Typically when a laptop is still very loud and hot after a good clean-out, it some cases it could be the battery hitting the end of its shelf life. 3 cell batteries get hot towards the end for no goo reason.

3) The (blank) has fallen off, or broke all together.
Go on craigslist.com. Find another laptop the same make a model as yours that is already broken. There are hundreds of people selling broken laptops for this very reason. Some people specialize in trading laptop parts, some things as minor as a DVD ROM bezel, all the way up to a used screen. Check eBay for parts and buy them ahead of time. Buy a new fan and power source, battery if you see one, and any plastic trim parts you can find weather you need them or not. Read the instruction manual on your computer and read about your computer on forums so you can be knowledgeable about repairs if they need to be done.

In summary:
1) Clean your laptop all the fucking time.
2) Be nice to it.
3) Buy parts when you don't need them.
4) Change out the battery once a year.
5) Read the manual.

Using these very simple tips I've had laptops last until I'm ready to get rid of them.


  1. You forgot to add #6)Don't let the wife step on it...

  2. Great tips!
    as a heavy user, I came over most of them! Using my Fujitsu laptop on blanket got mother board bang, and plugging and unplugging so often got power socket broken, as well as my Acer battery got damned as a result of prolonged use and dependence on the battery, well, in addition to that my sister LG makes sounds and crackling for a close reason, well, you just came across the MOST reasons that corrupt a laptop, great job, plz let me add: -Use protective accessories (cooling pag - silicone cover - screen film etc..) and buy a good protecting backpack (50% worth protecting your 700% laptop) and finally try to make it as low mobile as possible.


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